General crap

Nothing much new to report today. Julian's still looking for a job. I'm still prone to spontaneous outbursts of tears.

I called a local attorney to go in for a free consultation about the bankruptcy issue...3 times. Every time I called, I got put on perma-hold. That doesn't bode well, so I'm going to look elsewhere for legal assistance. I got the name and number of the attorney that one of my coworkers used last year when she filed. I haven't called yet. I know that this is really what I need to do, but somehow I'm prolonging it. This may sound strange, but it just seems so...final. Like I'm just giving up, but I know that's not the case. This is really the best solution for us as a family now. I don't have a whole lot of debt, but given the current conditions we're in, I can't afford all the bills I have.

I have so much on my mind right now. It's crazy.

My big worries are the upcoming baby and money. Secondary is that my relationship with Julian is really strained right now. Third is dissatisfaction with my job.

I'm so worried about the baby. I need to start getting things ready, but I really can't. The baby will be sharing Enzo's room and I'm not sure where everything will fit, and how that's going to work once the baby is actually here. I'm also worried about the birth. I guess it's not so much worry as nervousness. I've been through it before now, so it's not fear of the unknown like it was in the first pregnancy. I realise that no two births are exactly the same, and at least this time I know going in that I'm having a c-section. I'm worried about Enzo, and where he'll be and who he'll stay with during my surgery and recovery. My sister has volunteered to keep him, but she's in the middle of building a new house. She has already sold her current house and has to be out by this weekend. The new house isn't finished yet, so in the meantime she's living in a trailer (RV) in the backyard of her mother-in-law. That wouldn't be the most ideal space for Enzo to spend a few nights. My other concern is after we get home. I'm going to need all the help I can get. I remember with Enzo being unable to lift anything heavier than him until I got my staples removed a week later. And also being unable to drive. This is the scenario I have in my head: Julian's working full-time by the time baby 2 arrives. And I'm spending all my days at home with a newborn and a toddler. Unable to lift the toddler, and he gets upset because I can't carry him but I can carry the baby. And I can't take him to daycare because I can't drive and neither can Julian. I'm getting frustrated just thinking about it. I guess we'll see how things go. I might be able to get my mom or sister to come over some during the day to help out if Julian's at work.

I really need to stop worrying so much. That's what Julian keeps telling me. Not to worry about the things I'm powerless to change. Perhaps it's time to heed his advice.